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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 2:07 pm 
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intrusav wrote:
I'm making my way to a rehab centre later today ..



Good news. Let us know how it goes, if you want to that is.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 2:35 pm 
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If i had a time machine i would have gotten help way sooner.
2 days ago i had to go to the hospital to seek help since my mental health is getting shittier everyday that goes by, having suicidal thoughts is no good and its not that i want to kill myself because i don't but i know if i didnt anything about it someday i could do something i would definitely regret.

Im happy i had the courage to do it, now its time to get better!

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:22 pm 
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mainst09 wrote:
If i had a time machine i would have gotten help way sooner.
2 days ago i had to go to the hospital to seek help since my mental health is getting shittier everyday that goes by, having suicidal thoughts is no good and its not that i want to kill myself because i don't but i know if i didnt anything about it someday i could do something i would definitely regret.

Im happy i had the courage to do it, now its time to get better!


I'm happy you got some help man. Some things you can't do alone.

Post shit on here if you feel like it.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 4:14 pm 
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yeah all the best to you intrusav & mainst09 and everyone else struggling at the moment.

what helped me alot in my psychotic years was to focus on the body. do something really exhausting. breahte. run. scream. jump around. ride bicycles. let that energy out. you will feel better.
i know its not easy when your in some hole of pittiying yourself and listlessness. ive been there alot of times.
but the days where i got up and at least went outside in the woods, were the days where i achieved a small victory.
even if the next day or night everything was in vain again, the voices would talk again, the paranoia would come again.
if you live for those small victories you can slowly get your energy centered back inside your body, back to the here and now. and away from the wicked sprawling gardens of your own mind.

theres an old saying in german, dont know where its from that translates as" there is truth in the flesh". i understand this so the body is connected your emotions and thoughts. and by working with the body you can get to the mental or the emotional realm from another perspective. Muscle tensions for example are mostly connected to a emotional or mental pattern. releiving the tensions also brings relief in other realms.

find out what brings you relief, real relief, not the one the drugs can give. As they just fuel the fire of madness once its there.
it can be a walk in the woods and body activity/sports like in my case.
It can be getting professional help, to get new concepts and perspectives on things. it can be music. it can be dancing. find out what makes you feel better, even if its just a little and even if the next day everything is shit again, keep doing that activity that helps you.
times will come where the victories will get bigger & bigger and your selfesteem and your selflove will come back, or even only develop then, like in my case.

i believe in gravity as the most potent power in the universe also in a spiritual/mental way. all people have their tendencies to fall for certain drugs or have certain mental conditions. but i believe when you can get to the bottom of it to transform and integrate that energy into your own life, youll get out of that part of your life strengthend and learned something. thats whats it all about.

i feel a bit cheesy when writing all this, but talking over things and not finding the right words is never the same as the individual experience and the power that can derive from it.
glad to hear all your stories and how we all struggle with similar things.
tl;dr : much love and force to all of you

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:24 pm 
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I mean, did some stupid shit...

I would probably change getting in contact with my dad again after 6 years (he left me and my sister, already had divorced my mom long before, when I was 12 cause of some bullshit). Had some unreal expectations of him changed and wanting to make up. When I confronted him 2 years after the reunion he blamed it all on me and my mom... So yeah. Probably that.

And growing weed too recklessly in my own apartment and getting caught with it (~1kg at the bust, which was lucky for me as like one week before probably had like 3kg)

But you know. Live and learn


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:33 pm 
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And also to you guys feeling off.

Second 9k in working out. For me working out had always been a big part (except for recently) and that is the best bet to keep the demons away. That and being super promiscuous. But I've been a fucking horny cunt...


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Mon Oct 09, 2017 10:26 am 
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Leskey wrote:
For me working out had always been a big part (except for recently) and that is the best bet to keep the demons away.


well, I can totally relate, doing sports helped me a lot over the years,
but that "until recently" part is the problem :
when you're really down, you just can't get yourself motivated to do sports.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Mon Oct 09, 2017 10:27 am 
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Leskey wrote:
And growing weed too recklessly in my own apartment and getting caught with it (~1kg at the bust, which was lucky for me as like one week before probably had like 3kg)


If you don't mind me asking, but in which country do you live in,
and what was your penalty/fine for this ?

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:25 pm 
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Hades wrote:
If you don't mind me asking, but in which country do you live in,
and what was your penalty/fine for this ?


Sweden, my roomie was home at the bust and pleaded guilty for the cops. So he got 4 mths with the leg-iron while I payed the fines (which were around 2,5k €). Holy shit the interrogating cop(s) was a fucking joke though. I mean, both them and I knew I was in on it. Had no employment for the last year or nthng.

I will say however... Selling weed was without doubt my best job. Earned somewhere around 3,5k € a month for like... Seriously 5-10 hrs of work a month. If I didn't have kids I would probably go back to it, but doing it a lot more careful. My weed was the best everyone that had it had smoked... Oh the young naive life. Sorta miss looking over my shoulder, the cops being the less scarier option at that time. My life obviously lacks excitement...


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 7:23 pm 
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Leskey wrote:
Hades wrote:
If you don't mind me asking, but in which country do you live in,
and what was your penalty/fine for this ?


Sweden, my roomie was home at the bust and pleaded guilty for the cops. So he got 4 mths with the leg-iron while I payed the fines (which were around 2,5k €). Holy shit the interrogating cop(s) was a fucking joke though. I mean, both them and I knew I was in on it. Had no employment for the last year or nthng.

I will say however... Selling weed was without doubt my best job. Earned somewhere around 3,5k € a month for like... Seriously 5-10 hrs of work a month. If I didn't have kids I would probably go back to it, but doing it a lot more careful. My weed was the best everyone that had it had smoked... Oh the young naive life. Sorta miss looking over my shoulder, the cops being the less scarier option at that time. My life obviously lacks excitement...


well, why don't you go for the option to grow it somewhere out in the woods ?
Where I live, that's pretty much impossible,
but I know it's pretty common to do so in places like Canada (worked there for 2 summers when I was still in univ, heard quite a few stories), and I can imagine it's still possible to find more "quiet" forests in Sweden.
Or am I wrong about that ?

Also, did you have kids when you were growing weed ?
Can't imagine how you can pull that one off... :D

And how did you explain "not being in on it" ?
"urm, officer, I wasn't aware that those things were illegal in any way. My flat mate told me they were for harmless herbal healing purposes only" :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 3:15 pm 
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intrusav wrote:
I'm making my way to a rehab centre later today ..


Just to echo the sentiments of everyone else as well, fucking good on you honey. Love and positive vibes your way x

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 4:01 pm 
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Thanks everyone, for your advice and support. It really means a lot to me and I truely appreciate it.

I've been in touch with a rehab place and I'm waiting to hear more.
I'm coming out of my week-long blur at this stage but I'm still going to do this.
Like Void pointed out, it's easy to say "it's fine, it was just a drunken rant" but I've done it so many times already and it's something I have to sort out now as next time could really see me buried (sounds dramatic but I'm serious).

I've basically walked away from a well-payed job, working with good people, lost my own place and have torn down all that I have spent time trying to build.

I've been fortunate that I have the support of an extremely patient and forgiving family and an absolutely beautiful golden girlfriend that stood by me through all this shit.
I realise not everyone is lucky enough to have this, I really do, so I'm not going to walk away (again).

My issues are with basic mental health, fed by alcohol and weed.
I've been living with it for so long (over 20 years now) that I had accepted it as being "part of my personality" but I see now that that's pure and utter bullshit.
I know that with some guidance I can get past it and even seeing that is a relief.
I'm hoping that, with time, this will help me to be the person I know I should be.

To anyone reading this that feels like things could/should be better, that there's something not quite right or extremely wrong, and feel alone with their problems, I hope that you can find the courage to ask for help.

Know that courage is being scared as fuck but not letting it own you and still doing what you need to do.

Just ask. Make that phonecall or send a text, ask a close friend, a relation, a doc to help you out. People will help and it will get easier ..


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:59 pm 
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Hades wrote:
well, why don't you go for the option to grow it somewhere out in the woods ?
Where I live, that's pretty much impossible,
but I know it's pretty common to do so in places like Canada (worked there for 2 summers when I was still in univ, heard quite a few stories), and I can imagine it's still possible to find more "quiet" forests in Sweden.
Or am I wrong about that ?


Well I live in Stockholm, so that's basically out of the question. Plus there's a whole new set of problems that come with growing outdoors in Sweden. Very limited in which strains you can grow. It has to be an auto blooming variety, which automatically drastically lowers the THC-content. Also if you're unlucky and get a really wet autumn, everything gets ruined by mold, which is only treatable by harvesting prematurely - again lowering the THC-concent drastically. So that's basically a no-go.

Hades wrote:
Also, did you have kids when you were growing weed ?
Can't imagine how you can pull that one off... :D


Nah, I weren't employed by my kids at that time :lol: Seems kind of impossible, yeah... Unless you would have a spare flat for that purpose only...

Hades wrote:
And how did you explain "not being in on it" ?
"urm, officer, I wasn't aware that those things were illegal in any way. My flat mate told me they were for harmless herbal healing purposes only" :lol:


Well, sort of. I just basically answered all her questions with "I don't know".
She asked me how I could not smell it, as it "reeked all over the entire apartment". My answer was "well, if I dont know what something smells like, how do I know that it smells like that perticular thing?"
And basically denying being there much at all, and sort of being a couch hitchhiker staying here and there and knew very little of anything in the apartment except for my room and the kitchen (which contained no tents or anything).

I don't know. It was pretty obvious she knew, and that I knew that she knew. But they didn't take my fingerprints or nothing so they basically had no hard evidence on me, just a mutual understanding :D She was kind of really fucking pissed when I left the interrogation. :twisted:


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:43 pm 
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Leskey wrote:
Hades wrote:
well, why don't you go for the option to grow it somewhere out in the woods ?
Where I live, that's pretty much impossible,
but I know it's pretty common to do so in places like Canada (worked there for 2 summers when I was still in univ, heard quite a few stories), and I can imagine it's still possible to find more "quiet" forests in Sweden.
Or am I wrong about that ?


Well I live in Stockholm, so that's basically out of the question. Plus there's a whole new set of problems that come with growing outdoors in Sweden. Very limited in which strains you can grow. It has to be an auto blooming variety, which automatically drastically lowers the THC-content. Also if you're unlucky and get a really wet autumn, everything gets ruined by mold, which is only treatable by harvesting prematurely - again lowering the THC-concent drastically. So that's basically a no-go.


well, that's one of the things, isn't it.
I was literally dreaming last night I was in Holland, for buying purposes.
Things have changed hugely since I was last there for that purpose (must have been like 13 years or so),
They've started using shit like a "weed pass" and stuff... :lol:
and I remember in my dream trying to find alternative ways to get decent quality for an affordable price.
(I had just seen something on the news about Dutch coffee shops at my friends place just an hour before I went to sleep)

I just don't get that shit, tbh.
Yeah, of course you like a proper amount of THC, (who likes a beer with 3° FFS ??)
but on the other hand,
I don't need the extreme over-pushed THC shit either.

In the old days (before my kids were employing me :mrgreen: ), I would go to Holland and get proper stuff there for a reasonable price. Then they started forbidding that shit for "tourists", and I have no idea what the current rules and conditions are, but I do know from what I hear in the news, that they discover new plantations over here in Belgium all the time, and a big part of their harvest is going directly back into Holland...
It's all such a hypocrite thing, really.
I would personally like to smoke a little more again from time to time to cut down on the beer,
but the prices I hear make me go nuts... :|

Ow, and btw : the people I met in Canada who grew their own shit... apparently weather was great out there,
but then again, most people don't realize that a city like New York is at almost the same latitude as say Barcelona. :)

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:49 pm 
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Leskey wrote:
Hades wrote:
And how did you explain "not being in on it" ?
"urm, officer, I wasn't aware that those things were illegal in any way. My flat mate told me they were for harmless herbal healing purposes only" :lol:


Well, sort of. I just basically answered all her questions with "I don't know".
She asked me how I could not smell it, as it "reeked all over the entire apartment". My answer was "well, if I dont know what something smells like, how do I know that it smells like that perticular thing?"
And basically denying being there much at all, and sort of being a couch hitchhiker staying here and there and knew very little of anything in the apartment except for my room and the kitchen (which contained no tents or anything).

I don't know. It was pretty obvious she knew, and that I knew that she knew. But they didn't take my fingerprints or nothing so they basically had no hard evidence on me, just a mutual understanding :D She was kind of really fucking pissed when I left the interrogation. :twisted:


remind me that if my mrs and kids ever get to die in some kind of car crash,
I move to Sweden and start growing shit.
I mean, seriously...

I heard some hilarious stories before from some bad people over here,
but the Swedish cops sound like quite a joke.

were you the first one to eat out her pussy or something?

;)

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:03 pm 
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Hades wrote:
remind me that if my mrs and kids ever get to die in some kind of car crash,
I move to Sweden and start growing shit.
I mean, seriously...

I heard some hilarious stories before from some bad people over here,
but the Swedish cops sound like quite a joke.

were you the first one to eat out her pussy or something?

;)


Yeah sure. I'll hook you up with a place and some contacts. ;) Have to contribute to what was once my burning quest here in life... Spreading the ganja with love. Or something like that? Can't quite remember... :?:

Well, I don't think I would have gotten off the hook if it was only me living there you know... And if it was the 3kg it probably would have been a year in jail or so.

But be sure to hide the cash well. We had like 15k € at the bust, which they didn't find.


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:39 am 
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mainst09 wrote:
If i had a time machine i would have gotten help way sooner.
2 days ago i had to go to the hospital to seek help since my mental health is getting shittier everyday that goes by, having suicidal thoughts is no good and its not that i want to kill myself because i don't but i know if i didnt anything about it someday i could do something i would definitely regret.

Im happy i had the courage to do it, now its time to get better!



Going to get some help is a big step, hope they give a good service and you start to get things better!


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2017 3:36 pm 
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intrusav wrote:
Thanks everyone, for your advice and support. It really means a lot to me and I truely appreciate it.

I've been in touch with a rehab place and I'm waiting to hear more.
I'm coming out of my week-long blur at this stage but I'm still going to do this.
Like Void pointed out, it's easy to say "it's fine, it was just a drunken rant" but I've done it so many times already and it's something I have to sort out now as next time could really see me buried (sounds dramatic but I'm serious).

I've basically walked away from a well-payed job, working with good people, lost my own place and have torn down all that I have spent time trying to build.

I've been fortunate that I have the support of an extremely patient and forgiving family and an absolutely beautiful golden girlfriend that stood by me through all this shit.
I realise not everyone is lucky enough to have this, I really do, so I'm not going to walk away (again).

My issues are with basic mental health, fed by alcohol and weed.
I've been living with it for so long (over 20 years now) that I had accepted it as being "part of my personality" but I see now that that's pure and utter bullshit.
I know that with some guidance I can get past it and even seeing that is a relief.
I'm hoping that, with time, this will help me to be the person I know I should be.

To anyone reading this that feels like things could/should be better, that there's something not quite right or extremely wrong, and feel alone with their problems, I hope that you can find the courage to ask for help.

Know that courage is being scared as fuck but not letting it own you and still doing what you need to do.

Just ask. Make that phonecall or send a text, ask a close friend, a relation, a doc to help you out. People will help and it will get easier ..


This is all positive
Getting help won`t erase your personality, it`ll just help with the harmful stuff, you`ll still be you, just a version that functions with less glitches.
Stay positive, remember you have people who love you for who you are (and you hurt those people when you hurt yourself), and just take life a day at a time.
Best of luck to you man ;)
We are all stumbling our way through existence together, trying to work it all out.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2017 4:21 pm 
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Thanks man.

The haze lifted, I got out of the hopeless drinking cycle I was in and did a bit of thinking and research. I've gone against everyone's wishes for me to go into rehab as they are set up to deal purely with addictions and I don't believe I have an addiction (def not a dependancy) but I was abusing alcohol. My problem is depression and looking at that now. Unfortunately I find myself somewhat abondoned because I went against it.

Had a good chat with a psychologist and he said I seem to understand the problem and said he would work with me using CBT and Mindfulness for anxiety and depression but said that it's only gonna help me get my shit right in the short term, day to day, that the underlying source for the depression and problem behaviour is something that I've carried from when I was younger, where it may have been effective back then, but doesn't work in adulthood.
Sounds cliche, but it makes a lot of sense to me...

I just have to work out a way of keeping my head above water for the next couple of months so that's where my focus is, staying positive and facing the challenge of where I am right now ..


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2017 4:24 pm 
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So yeah, I walked away again, but with a plan and some determination to sort it out ..


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