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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 3:39 pm 
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That's a dark path my friend. Well trodden.

If you have a chance at some help, take it. Not many people manage to make a u turn by themselves. With or without a time machine.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 4:10 pm 
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You should seriously consider going to rehab or at the very least joining a group, getting some counselling. Talking to a neutral party can help a lot. My best mate joined AA, he's an atheist and they can be a little religious, but it's the group support he really went for, and he still does. He's doing quite well.
There is a way out if you want it.
I totally get the nihilism and self destruction man, I been there myself and it took me literally to the edge of a multistory car park looking to jump off (and quite a comical event that saved my life) to wake up.

Where are you based\living right now?
There are places all over the country and various options.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 4:20 pm 
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Been in with a shrink cos was drinking to deal with anxiety with my job, self-medicating. Read up on how alcohol is ridiculously good at killing that feeling of panic, only to fuck you up a bit more longterm. I'm just struggling with how I have no control. It's a really hard thing to accept, that I have a flaw, and the focus that comes with it ..


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 4:23 pm 
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So yeah, if I had a time-machine...


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 4:48 pm 
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It's not easy for most people to get / ask for help / treatment. Do what you can to battle that feeling without alcohol / drugs and try to get help.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:03 pm 
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HowieRis wrote:
if I really had a time machine I'd probably be too afraid to fuck with the causality of everything and leave it on the shelf.


Yeah, everything is linked to everything so changing one little thing could result in a completely different life. In my case, I've often thought about how I was pressured by my parents to go study business while I hadn't really made up my own mind. Much later, I probably would have wanted to gain deep knowledge on something less superficial... but I met my future wife in the job I got right after graduating. She was just interning there for a few months, what if we've never met? The thought is just utterly terrifying.


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:13 pm 
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intrusav wrote:
Been in with a shrink cos was drinking to deal with anxiety with my job, self-medicating. Read up on how alcohol is ridiculously good at killing that feeling of panic, only to fuck you up a bit more longterm. I'm just struggling with how I have no control. It's a really hard thing to accept, that I have a flaw, and the focus that comes with it ..


It's hard to accept because you don't have a flaw. It's the substance trying to take control. Get help and fight back, it only gets harder the more you postpone it. You'll love yourself for winning it and the only mark it leaves is that sweet victory.


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 7:13 pm 
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Pagan wrote:
intrusav wrote:
Been in with a shrink cos was drinking to deal with anxiety with my job, self-medicating. Read up on how alcohol is ridiculously good at killing that feeling of panic, only to fuck you up a bit more longterm. I'm just struggling with how I have no control. It's a really hard thing to accept, that I have a flaw, and the focus that comes with it ..


It's hard to accept because you don't have a flaw. It's the substance trying to take control. Get help and fight back, it only gets harder the more you postpone it. You'll love yourself for winning it and the only mark it leaves is that sweet victory.


THIS !!! I'm off heroin since 9 years and i'm pretty safe that i won't touch that shit ever ever ever again. I stood on the edge of the abyss and before i was THAT close to jump (like give up on anything, fuck it all, why just smoke and sniff? gimme that fuckin' needle already...) i was veeeeeeeeeery lucky and it all went down right.

It feels very empowering to say "fuck you" to the devil. When i quit, i took the hard way. No methadone, no nothing...just me in bed for one and a half week, shitting, puking, crying and shivering. It was like the longest, most hardcore flu you could have.

But i tell you it was worth it. I'm free again.

You can be free too again, if you really want it.....

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 7:19 pm 
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Mono-xID wrote:


THIS !!! I'm off heroin since 9 years and i'm pretty safe that i won't touch that shit ever ever ever again. I stood on the edge of the abyss and before i was THAT close to jump (like give up on anything, fuck it all, why just smoke and sniff? gimme that fuckin' needle already...) i was veeeeeeeeeery lucky and it all went down right.

It feels very empowering to say "fuck you" to the devil. When i quit, i took the hard way. No methadone, no nothing...just me in bed for one and a half week, shitting, puking, crying and shivering. It was like the longest, most hardcore flu you could have.

But i tell you it was worth it. I'm free again.

You can be free too again, if you really want it.....



Mono, if you don't mind me asking, how did you end up on heroin. I'm guessing most people here have 'partied' a bit in their time, but the big H was a step too far.

If you don't want to answer, it's cool and I'll delete my post.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 9:37 pm 
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intrusav wrote:
Been in with a shrink cos was drinking to deal with anxiety with my job, self-medicating. Read up on how alcohol is ridiculously good at killing that feeling of panic, only to fuck you up a bit more longterm. I'm just struggling with how I have no control. It's a really hard thing to accept, that I have a flaw, and the focus that comes with it ..


man, I always jokingly say I'm a part-time alcoholic, but I know it's more like a 4/5 thing...
At times I'm sure I'm pretty close to becoming a full-scale one.
My biggest problem is that I see almost no negative side-effects, apart from a slowly expanding beer belly,
and I'm in-between jobs so I got too much time on my hands...

I'm pretty much never drunk (I hate drunk people, I really despise them),
and I'm genuinely just a softer person with a lot more patience to deal with the world and others (even my own kids) when I had a few beers...
Thank god I have a mrs who regularly tells me to not drink for a day, or I would have been a full-time alcoholic quite some time ago.
Before I was drinking beer on such a regular basis, I was smoking pot every fucking day (till I was like 26 or 27 years old).
But then I got kids, and I don't smoke, and alcohol is such an easy drug, socially everywhere accepted if you're not a pain in the ass drunk (which thank god I never am).

I fear there will be a day I will need to seek help...
Because I have a lot of trouble seeing myself in a life without beer.
I fucking love beer.
I even drink non-alcoholic beer, so yeah...
I'm just glad I never drink stronger stuff.

This self-destruction thing can be very powerful.
I always think about all these people saying how great it can be to be 70, or 80 or 90+ years old,
and all I can think of is "damn man, I sure as fuck don't ever want to get that old",
so there's that "slow comfortable suicide" thingy, really...

You need to find a goal to make you pull through at all, if you can.
And it's not easy.
I got a wonderful mrs and lovely kids, and I got my music,
it still only makes me moderate my beer input from time to time,
it doesn't put me in this responsible parent mode.
I guess the hardest part for me is dealing with reality in a sober way most of the time.
I even remember saying when I was like 20 : why deal with reality sober if you can just as well deal with it being stoned ?

Perhaps I'm putting things worse than they are, (or is that denial talking right here ??)
because whenever I was working, it wasn't exactly like I needed beer to get me through the day, not at all,
but it sure took the pressure of me when I got home afterwards...

I guess I just like to say : I think many of us can relate, very much so indeed !
But if you find yourself in hotel rooms, drinking yourself away, you know you're not in a good place
(and I think you know that). :)

be well, take care ! :) ;)

ps so many people having trouble dealing with shit nowadays, it seems the only ones not having trouble are the fake superficial people we don't even want to care about any way...

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 9:39 pm 
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jordanneke wrote:

Mono, if you don't mind me asking, how did you end up on heroin. I'm guessing most people here have 'partied' a bit in their time, but the big H was a step too far.

If you don't want to answer, it's cool and I'll delete my post.


I've wondered about that myself as well,
but I think it didn't help to live in the nr 1 H capital of Europe...

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 10:45 pm 
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jordanneke wrote:


Mono, if you don't mind me asking, how did you end up on heroin. I'm guessing most people here have 'partied' a bit in their time, but the big H was a step too far.

If you don't want to answer, it's cool and I'll delete my post.


No worries mate. I never had a problem to talk about it. Maybe it sounds a bit pathetic but I see myself as good example that you can put yourself out of the mud if your willing to and actually take help from people which are important to me.

I'll give you the full story tomorrow as I have to take a nap now. Gotta get up for work in 4 hours.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 11:43 pm 
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Thanks Mono. Stay up ..


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 11:53 pm 
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Remember being on the u-bahn going nowhere in particular and a guy saying straight up to me that he was just going to get heroin. Think it was Kottbusser but can't rem now. Random but wanted to understand it somehow. The guy was so fucking aware and genuine. Left a mark ..


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 10:43 am 
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1 - Smoked less dope, maybe drunk less too
2 - Went out clubbing more
3 - Pushed the music production a bit further
4 - Or alternatively pushed with the day job a bit earlier and realised there's nothing to be gained from rebellion.
5 - Ideally combined 3 & 4

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 1:42 pm 
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jordanneke wrote:


Mono, if you don't mind me asking, how did you end up on heroin. I'm guessing most people here have 'partied' a bit in their time, but the big H was a step too far.

If you don't want to answer, it's cool and I'll delete my post.



Okay sir, lets start.

(Hades-type post incoming)

PART 1: Introduction

From 2003 'til 2005 I lived in a squat as I had debts and therefore I couldn't get my own flat. Two good mates of mine rented a big ass flat in a (then) nice district and asked me if I'm up for renting the third room. Of course I said yes. We got along very well and the flat was a cool place where all the mates met on the weekends to get ready for nightlife. It was a good time where I met many cool people as mates would bring in cool dudes and nice girls. It was kind of a party flat and we all had lots of fun with drug abuse and orgies and shit.

In the second half of 2005 a room mate brought this guy from Hamburg who was smoking H. He hung around occasionally and actually he was a nice intelligent fella. It turned out that my room mate smoked smack with him occasionally. I wasn't that happy about it but I thought to myself that he's old enough, each to their own etc.

NYE was about to come and we planned a big party and invited everyone. So all the mates from everywhere were coming and we were around 40 people and it was THE best NYE party I ever had. We partied hard for 4 days,went to clubs, back to the flat, club again and so forth. I was awake all the time because of lots of speed and pills.

So party ended on the fourth day and the rest of us chilled out in the flat for a massive come down. People were sleeping everywhere on couches and on the floor. Me,my room mate and the guy from Hamburg were the only ones still awake and we had a discussion and just talked straight up shit.

And then he pulled out his pipe and started to smoke with my room mate. He offered me a hit and in my NYE meltdown brain I thought "why not"? I took my first pipe hit and "BOOOOM !!!!". All of a sudden I had this great warm feeling and after a couple of minutes I fell asleep. It killed the buzz from speed and pills immediately. It felt to good to be true. After I woke up we cleaned the flat and had a chilled afternoon where I smoked two more pipes. After that incident I didn't touched it again for half a year.

I'll post Part 2 (the nasty part) later

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 1:57 pm 
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The only regret in my life is me trying to study engineering. I learnt that the hard way, basically wasted my good years trying to figure out how to graduate and get that A4 paper. I'm now 27 and trying to get into photography as a hobby next to my music. Next year I'll take the entry exams and hopefully get into a university with a photography and video program.

It's painful to see all the tuition fees are at least 4x more expensive in Europe for non-EU people, that discourages me a lot and makes me feel like less of a person than an EU guy. I guess I'll stay in my home country couple more years and try to figure things out.


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 7:58 am 
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I'm making my way to a rehab centre later today ..


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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 10:04 am 
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intrusav wrote:
I'm making my way to a rehab centre later today ..


The very best with it all and hoping you can find the strength to get yourself back on track.

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 Post subject: Re: if you had a time machine
PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 1:57 pm 
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intrusav wrote:
I'm making my way to a rehab centre later today ..



Good on ya man, and good luck.
Have courage and faith in yourself, it can be done, you can get out from under this, and don't be too hard on yourself.
The important thing is not to let any slips take you all the way to the bottom. One day at a time. Small victories become big ones over time.

Come rant on here if you need anonymous ranty bollocks, and try to connect with other people in rehab, mutual support is great.

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