intrusav wrote:Been in with a shrink cos was drinking to deal with anxiety with my job, self-medicating. Read up on how alcohol is ridiculously good at killing that feeling of panic, only to fuck you up a bit more longterm. I'm just struggling with how I have no control. It's a really hard thing to accept, that I have a flaw, and the focus that comes with it ..
man, I always jokingly say I'm a part-time alcoholic, but I know it's more like a 4/5 thing...
At times I'm sure I'm pretty close to becoming a full-scale one.
My biggest problem is that I see almost no negative side-effects, apart from a slowly expanding beer belly,
and I'm in-between jobs so I got too much time on my hands...
I'm pretty much never drunk (I hate drunk people, I really despise them),
and I'm genuinely just a softer person with a
lot more patience to deal with the world and others (even my own kids) when I had a few beers...
Thank god I have a mrs who regularly tells me to
not drink for a day, or I would have been a full-time alcoholic quite some time ago.
Before I was drinking beer on such a regular basis, I was smoking pot every fucking day (till I was like 26 or 27 years old).
But then I got kids, and I don't smoke, and alcohol is such an easy drug, socially everywhere accepted if you're not a pain in the ass drunk (which thank god I never am).
I fear there will be a day I will need to seek help...
Because I have a lot of trouble seeing myself in a life without beer.
I fucking love beer.
I even drink non-alcoholic beer, so yeah...
I'm just glad I never drink stronger stuff.
This self-destruction thing can be very powerful.
I always think about all these people saying how great it can be to be 70, or 80 or 90+ years old,
and all I can think of is "damn man, I sure as fuck don't ever want to get that old",
so there's that "slow comfortable suicide" thingy, really...
You need to find a goal to make you pull through at all, if you can.
And it's not easy.
I got a wonderful mrs and lovely kids, and I got my music,
it still only makes me moderate my beer input from time to time,
it doesn't put me in this responsible parent mode.
I guess the hardest part for me is dealing with reality in a sober way most of the time.
I even remember saying when I was like 20 : why deal with reality sober if you can just as well deal with it being stoned ?
Perhaps I'm putting things worse than they are, (or is that denial talking right here ??)
because whenever I was working, it wasn't exactly like I needed beer to get me through the day, not at all,
but it sure took the pressure of me when I got home afterwards...
I guess I just like to say : I think many of us can relate, very much so indeed !
But if you find yourself in hotel rooms, drinking yourself away, you know you're not in a good place
(and I think you know that).
be well, take care !
ps so many people having trouble dealing with shit nowadays, it seems the only ones not having trouble are the fake superficial people we don't even want to care about any way...